Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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