It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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