So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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