So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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