i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
