whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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