gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
