if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
