I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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