The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
