why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
