Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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