If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
