I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We just shotgunned beers for America
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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