you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
