new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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