I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
