we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The uberlube is also flammable
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
