help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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