If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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