We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
So squirting runs in the family.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
