I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
