oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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