I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
