Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
