he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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