Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
