Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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