Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
