sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize