You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish I could teleport
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
