you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
