I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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