I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
