Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
