I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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