JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
