Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
