Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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