I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
