I wish my penis had an off switch
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
