Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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