I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize