How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
