He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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