Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
