i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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