No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
