We're facebook friends in real life
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
