BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
