I think my fart just growled at me.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
