you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
