I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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