you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Be still, my beating vagina.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
