Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
