I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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