happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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